apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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