i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
