hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
