he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
