How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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