it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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