So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
