why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
