My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
either way he was missing a nipple.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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