I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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