I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
