It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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