I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
