My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
