i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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