She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
