Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
