Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
