Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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