my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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