I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
