it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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