I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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