just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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