Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
