I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
