this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
