kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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