Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
