ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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