Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
