During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
