Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
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