Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
