so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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