Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
