Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
