My hand turned me down
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
