You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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