i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
