why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
