why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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