you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
