I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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