I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
