just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
