i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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