____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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