you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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