So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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