is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
